Colossal Squid

~In recent cryptozoology news, fisherman off of Antarctica bagged a "colossal" squid 33 feet long and weighing a staggering 990 pounds!

The scientific name of the squid is Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, and it's the first adult specimen ever captured. A younger specimen, thought to be a teenager, was caught in 2003 and weighed 330 pounds.

This is not a creature you want to meet while out for a swim. It's tentacles are over 30 feet long and have razor-sharp, barbed hooks that can spin 360 degrees. It's eyes are the size of dinner plates (the largest eyes of any living creature), and it's mouth has a parrot-like beak undoubtedly capable of shredding flesh like paper. This nightmarish killing machine is described as capable of "mauling a sperm whale" (a.k.a. Moby Dick).

Fortunately, colossal squids are extremely reclusive and live only in the deepest parts of the ocean, which accounts for the rarity of humans finding them. Even today, little is known of the species, which is why this discovery can help shed light on the squids' life cycle.

Of course, we'd best not run around hunting colossal squid just to perform scientific research. We don't want to anger That Darn Squid God or his non-Euclidian counterpart. On the other hand, think of the seafood potential: one squid expert remarked that calamari rings made from colossal squid would be the size of "tractor tires". ~Oyasumi!