'Tis the Season of Japanglish

~Today, I was delighted when one of my students presented me with a gift. It was a four-color pen of high quality, which I think was very thoughtful of him. However, as far as I was concerned, the gift wasn't just the pen--it was also the paper that it had been wrapped in! The Christmas-themed wrapping paper was covered with inspirational holiday messages from your friendly neighborhood Japanese Santa. Here are some examples:

Under the Christmas tree, there

are a lot of presents. It is a
present from Santa Claus pre-
sented only by a good child.

This is the most tame example from the wrapping paper, because the first sentence actually makes sense. Apparently, however, the one present under the tree that's for you can only be presented by a good child. In my experience, "a good child" is harder to find than you might think.

Santa Claus brings you the
present this year when
making it to a good child.

The one present that Saint Nick is bringing you this year is being constructed en-route from the body of a child? Disturbing.

Merry Christmas
I will hang big socks on the
bedside. A wonderful present
has surely reached your origin
in the morning.

From this message, we can deduce that the Japanese custom is to hang socks by the bedside rather than the fireplace on Christmas Eve. In the case of most Japanese people, they would be more likely to hang socks near their electric heater (a big no-no, as any fireman can tell you). The final sentence sounds suspiciously like something Google Translate would spit out. Or UPS.

Merry Christmas
What are yours wanting it?
Santa Claus is sure to prepare
a fit present for you.

This message rather ominous. "What are yours wanting it?", asks the paper, as if demanding an accounting for your unrelenting greed over the past year. How much have you consumed, you glutton? How many peoples' worth of resources ("yours") have you mindlessly devoured in a mad quest to quench your ever-increasing desires? Surely, Santa Claus will prepare a "fit" present for you. Although you may not like it very much...

There is a smile of a lot
of presents and a delicious
meal and families at happy
Christmas.

This message clearly refers to the infamous Christmas Cannibals and their leader, Chief Hannibal. They were best known for capturing wayward jungle explorers and roasting them like chestnuts over an open fire, after which the charred remains would be piled up around the Christmas tree and devoured. Indeed, many of the captured families were quite delicious, making for a happy cannibal holiday, with smiles all around.

Well, enough sarcasm. For those of you who are curious, here's an image of the wrapping paper in its entirety:

^ Gift-giving is highly ritualized in Japan, and wrapping is one of the most important aspects of the exchange. Traditionally, you're not supposed to open a gift immediately after receiving it unless asked to do so; this is to avoid embarrassment if the value of the gift you got differs greatly from the gift you gave. That's also the reason why gifts should always be wrapped (or at least bagged); simply exchanging unwrapped gifts is almost unthinkable.

Christmas has become popular in Japan as a gift-giving holiday, in part, I suspect, because the Japanese don't actually give each other many gifts outside of business meetings, and when they do, it's so formalized. Most of my students do not receive, give, or expect presents for their birthdays, nor do they buy them for their friends or family members. Children usually get gifts of money for New Year's and a few other holidays, but it's just not the same, is it? Christmas is catching on among many younger Japanese, because deep down, we all enjoy getting presents. ~Oyasumi!